Cap's Tech Top 5

The Golden Age

Friends, country men and fellow stoners, I bring you fond greetings from the Weed Nation. Today I pay homage to the world of technology. Yes today we bow down to the egg-head, the pocket protector wearing braniac. I mean do we ever give this guy his props? They make the tough sacrifices, long lonely nights in the lab or glued to a computer screen all for the pursuit of technology to make my life easier.

Here is my list of best God-damned things around.

1) 6 second turkey bacon (Hormel Pre-Cooked Bacon). Yeah that’s right pre-cooked turkey bacon, the perfect snack for the frantic stoner caught in the midst of the frenzy. Each slice takes a mere six seconds of microwavery to reach a perfect crisp texture and tasting of bacon heaven.


2) The Roomba: This shit is real, it cleans the floor in your house all by itself. I mean I don’t know when the last time you sweep or mopped or even vacuumed a floor but that shit is not fun. And as a stoner there’s always a pinch of bud or ash on the floor, what better than self programmed dirt lovin' monster? Sure this leaves the door open for an “I Robot” type attempt to revolt against mankind but to never have to touch a broom again I’ll take the risk.


3) The George Foreman Grill: You know I never took that fat, happy son-of-a-bitch seriously until he started talking about food. And now I know why he’s so happy; he can cook a whole chicken in 25 minutes. “Get in my belly!” This is one of the greatest inventions since the microwave.

4) The Ipod Nano: are you kidding me? I was high as hell but the screen on this thing is insane. I watched a whole episode of Good Times while waiting at the DMV. I remember when we were all amazed by those fancy watch calculators from Taiwan back in the 80’s.

5) eClipse Bluetooth MP3 Watch
Now this is just stupid, it’s a watch, MP3 player, compatible with any Bluetooth device phone or otherwise. Comes with Bluetooth-enabled foldable stereo headphones. PC and Mac compatible device has 1GB of built-in flash memory for MP3 music plus data on documents and spreadsheets. Built-in recorder stores voice memos.
This is a close most of us will ever get to a real James Bond type spy watch. I mean how do they even put all that shit into one tiny case? Mind boggling and intriguing.


5) Oxygen Mini Vaporizer by Air2 - A tiny hand-held Vaporizer. This is not only a healthier way to consume your bud, it’s also some very stealth shit. Look, I love blazing up right before I walk into a movie theater (which I do often) this really reduces the scent and provides a clean, and viscious hit. The little guy would have made my most recent voyage to view “I Am LEGEND” great if the movie had’t sucked so bad.

Well these are my top five wonders of modern technology. I know most of you would have selected something like the invention of the internet, the light bulb, or splitting the atom, but today was about showing some love to some really cool shit that makes my personal life better.

Peace.

Drug Induced

Well here we go again. I know some of you may consider me a conspiracy theorist but things like the following confirm my nightmares:

Amadou Diouf, an immigrant from Senegal, was recently awarded $50,000.00 in a suit against the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Department. Diouf, who came to the U.S. to pursuit his education, was detained for nearly 2 years for over staying his student visa. In February of 2007 he was put on a plane for deportation. The agents wrestled him to the ground and forcibly injected him with drugs to sedate him.
The drug of choice was Haldol, which is often used to treat schizophrenia or other mental illnesses, although he had no history of mental illness. Another man, Raymond Soeoth of Indonesia, was injected with a still unknown drug. This is some scary shit right? Not the stuff that is supposed to happen in America right? But it does.
Our government is using drugs to control people. The same anti-drug, just say no, establishment that persecutes Marijuana Smokers for smoking an herb. How fucking ridiculous it that? How insanely, disturbingly ridiculous is that.
This is what chemically created stimulants can be used for. This is the danger of a society that embraces man made drugs so deeply. I mean imagine some shit like that happening in this day, 2008. But it’s real. And it happens quite often. In fact the government has previously acknowledged that 56 people facing deportation received psychotropic medications in 2006 and 2007.
I’m scared to know shit like this happens. I’m scared because maybe it isn’t just immigrants being deported. Maybe it’s also regular citizens that don’t conform. This seems far from home but it’s not a big leap when you think about it. And I’m sure somewhere in some lab some scientist is developing an even better drug for a more sinister purpose. This is what we are up against. I hope you’ll join the fight.

R.I.P Heath Ledger

1. RIP Heather Ledger, a young and talented actor. He was refined with a rough edge. He was, in contrast to our modern pop/media creations of today, blessed with talent and dare I say substance. He was a professional and I respected his body of work and his character.
   
   Reality is this: at this moment from what we can tell Heath Ledger was murdered by a combination of six different prescription drugs. This is a risk that we all take. Pharmacology, in part, relies on biology and chemistry. Or more accurately how our bodies react to various chemicals. A scientist in a lab experiments with various combinations of chemicals to create a certain affect in our biological entities. To clear our sinuses, relax our muscle, and enlarge our penises.
   
   This, unto itself, I believe is dangerous based on the fact that each body has it’s own distinctive chemical make-up, make-up that no scientist in any lab could ever really account for. What works for me may not work for you. IE penicillin would cure many of you but would kill me. My body chemistry can not tolerant it’s presence in my system.
   
   We up the anti considerably when we “mix our prescrips”. There is not one among us who has not taken Sudafed during the day and Nyquil at night to battle a tough cold. However unknown to most people, Nyquil should not be taken with medications that contain other antihistamines or cough suppressants. Of course Sudafed is, in part, a cough suppressant itself.
   
   Now let’s consider Heath Ledger’s collection: the anti-anxiety medications Alprazolam (Xanax), Diazepam (Valium) and Lorazepam (Ativan) were found in the apartment. The sleeping medication Zopiclone (Lunesta) and the sedative Temazepam (Restoril) -- which is used by people with "debilitating insomnia" -- were also found. All of the drugs were prescribed to Ledger.
   
   While autopsy reports remain inconclusive I have me own conclusions. How can we guess the combine affects of multiple drugs made in multiple labs? How can we factor our personal and unique body chemistry?
   
   We lost a bright star, but more importantly his daughter lost a father, his mother lost a son. As a society we trust in corporations to provide us with safe, healthy drugs, if such a thing exists. But is there profit in our safety? Are there dividends in our good health? Or it is in the corporate interest to sell us as many pills as we can swallow?

Where's the Village Doctor

Where the hell is the Village Doctor? In the words of Wyclef Jean “Someone Please call 911!” The village Doctor has gone missing. You know the village doctor, that kindly old dude with the hut that smelled a little funny and kept really odd hours? Or maybe he was friendly old Dr Foster who had delivered damn near everyone in the town dating back to your Mom and Dad. Who ever he was in your hometown, parish, or city you knew him. You trusted him. You told him your secrets and he bandaged your wounds. He administered leeches when they were needed and stuck pins in stress points in your body. Sure there was a time in our past when he might crack your skull open to release “dark spirits” but this was our guy. And our guy is MIA , replaced by modern medical mercenaries. The new breed of doctor motivated not by the oath he takes but the checks he cashes. Look, in all our history the caregivers have and should be well rewarded, whether by a grateful farmer who brings over his best pig, or the loyal client who refers every friend and family member to your practice. And doctors deserve the salary and respect that comes from holding that title. But in light the recent death of Donda West we are forced to confront an ugly situation, the cosmetic surgeon. Yeah that guy, you can find that everywhere, from posh Beverly Hills medical complexes to strips malls in Reseda, that guy is everywhere. Oh you know him well, you’ve seen him on Oprah and the reality shows peddling their suspect cures. Now the first thing that ran through my mind was that Ms West must be a narcissistic, self absorbed elitist caught up by her own vanity, no more desired of our sympathy that the Goth kid next door who sticks pins in his face then complains when they get infected. But Donda West was not this person. She was a professor, an author, and a true academia. She was a pillar of strength to not only her son but countless other as the Chair of the Kayne West Foundation. She was the best of us, someone who gave to others. The problem is not with West it is with our culture and our relationship with our caregivers. Now instead of diagnosing our ailments Doctors look for things to fix. Your nose is too big, your breasts are too small, your uni-brow is not attractive. This I tell you is just an extension of the change in the medical profession. Pharmaceutical reps line up to meet with Doctor to peddle their cures; commercials bombard us day and night. Can’t sleep? Feel depressed? Penis too small? Talk to your doctor about our cure. Bad medicine no matter how you slice it. We used to see our doctors twice a year for checks up and maybe during flu season and again in spring when pollen filled that air and clogged my sinus. We used to live by mottos like “An apple a day keeps the Doctor away.” And my doctor still owned a big house and drove a Benz. And I was fine with that, he was trusted professional and I was paying in part for the degree on his office wall and the confidence that he was looking out for me. The medical industry is not like the rap game. I don’t want a doctor “gettin his hustle on”. What was fine for 50 is not okay for my family Doc. My grandfather used to always tell me “just because someone wrote it down it doesn’t make it true.” And he has right. Challenge authority, ask the tough questions, and demand the honest answers. The people we used to trust have turned on us. They see us not as friends and neighbors but as customers and clients. They see us as the means to fuel lavish rock star lifestyle. Surgery is a risk, no matter what the procedure and we must take pre-caution to protect ourselves. Know your Doctor, his certifications, and his history. Learn about your procedure, the risk and weigh the benefits. Do the work that old Dr. Foster used to do for you cause trust me brother he aint on the job any more.

Captains Log

StarDank 2007.10.15I start this entry in a strange mood. Not strange like Flavor Flav and Brigette Neilson but strange as in unsettled or out of place. I used to look at the landscape of this social experiment we call the US and be able to put people in neat and tidy boxes. Good vs Bad, Conservative vs Liberal, King Kong Vs Godzilla. Not anymore. As a pot advocates we are used to taking the stance that it was us versus them. “Them” being the establishment, the man. We were the bad guys and the outlaws, the tree huggin liberal hippies, jazz musicians, and urban rappers. And every single time something bad happened and pot was involved I had to cringe. I mean hell I love the NBA too but how many of these knuckle-heads are out a 2 am, driving an unregistered Range Rover 120 mhp while drunk with a Glock 9mm in the glove box and a half a blunt in the ash trey. No one ever blames the gun maker, the bartender or for that fact Land Rover. But they sure as hell blame the 2 grams of Chronic. I guess I should thank Mike Vick for not using the dead dogs as fertilizer for a weed garden, keeps PETA of our list of enemies. But the climate has begun to change. Now we live in the Brittney Spears, George Bush, Larry Craig era. Now these are bad people. I mean Brit has driven on the wrong side of the road, endangered two small children, hit a parked car and left the scene, and scared us all with flashes of that stretched out, and well used po-nanner. Sure I’m willing to give her a break for amusing me in a variety of new and horrifying ways but trust me Brit, I’m laughing at you. But I’m not laughing at reckless driving, driving without a license, leaving the scene of an accident, child endangerment or indecent exposure. But if I were to break even one of these laws I’d be writing you from an 8X8 concrete box while negotiating a deal on a case of honeybuns with the Nation of Islam so that I could remain a virgin. As for W where do I begin? This guy is responsible for murdering 4,000 US soldiers, Hundreds of thousands of Iraqi’s and the English language on several occasions. He’s lied to Congress, The Senate, and the America Public. He outed a CIA agent and tapped our phones. But with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi taking impeachment off the table this jack-ass will never even be accused of a crime. Now what kind of world do we live in where the president can blatantly break the law and violate the constitution without so much as a slap on the wrist? But if I light up a “J” outside the UA Cinema while waiting to catch the matinee showing of Soul Plane it’s a problem. Now Larry Craig, you, the wide stance taking law maker are the only one who is going to actually pay for your alleged crime. Not with jail time but with the social, and political fall out that will end your cushy public servant’s gig. Now I’m not going to say the police should be setting up stings in men’s rooms or not but someone needs to protect my rights when I’m making a sacrifice to the porcelain God. I mean who needs a guy tapping your foot and flirting when you’re in that moment? True I’m not a gay man (no problem with gays or lesbians by the way) but trust me after dropping the kids of at the pool sex is the last thing on my mind. The point to all this is that our society is at a cross roads. If we can’t trust law makers and politicians (and we are supposed to be able to) we say a lot about the state of our nation. And since when do rich, spoiled pop princesses melt down publicly under the weight of…..what? Being a rich, spoiled pop princess? It’s far past time to redefine who the bad guys are and who the good guys are. Betty Holt Walker, a 71 year old Greensboro, NC woman charged with manufacturing marijuana and felony marijuana possession after police discover 6 plants growing in her garden. Temple 420 founder Craig X Rubin, charged with one count of selling or transporting marijuana and one count of possessing marijuana for sale despite federal laws protecting both he and church members. Paul Richard Martinetti, 73, and Suzanne Roberts, 68 an elderly couple from Alameda caught with 200 plants in their small distribution operation. The cash strapped seniors were just trying to make a few bucks to help make ends meet. These are not bad people. These are not murders, liars, hypocrites or out of control celebrity train wrecks. These are the plant lovers, the religious leaders and the capitalist. These are what America is built of. But these are not who we embrace, or reward. We covet the bad guys, we reward their lies, we condone their hypocrisy and we applaud their meteoric rise and tragic falls. Maybe it’s time to change that. Maybe it time to value simple honest plant loving Americans. Maybe it’s time to understand that his country was founded on religious freedom and built on Capitalism (yes I know slavery and exploitation as well). Maybe it’s time to say that murderers are not the good guys, hypocrites are not the good guys and chemically imbalanced Mtv icons are not the good guys. Maybe the marijuana toking, nature loving, religious pioneers are the ones we should value and not condemn. I feel the concern of my fellow citizen. Some of us are tired of the lies, tired of the hypocrisy, tired of the glitter with no substance. The tide is going to change. I can smell it in the air….or is that just Chronic Smoke? Until next time, Puff on.